Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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