she pinky promised me she was 18
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We're too hungover to prance.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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