i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
