sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
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She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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