there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Girls should come with a carfax report
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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