Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!