11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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