I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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