I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
