the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
i think my cat just said my name.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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