Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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