i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
