Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
