two words: eviction party
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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