your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
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Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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