Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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