My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
