when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
