I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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