everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
