I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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