I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
