A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
