he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
