You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
