I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
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I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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