I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
