I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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