She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
