I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
