The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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