So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
