I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
