She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
