Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
