i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
