fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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