Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
