and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
