last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
only you would photoshop your dick
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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