I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize