Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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