Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
