If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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