I wish my penis had an off switch
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
