I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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