Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
