i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
she told me i tasted like america
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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