My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
