I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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