Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
