Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
