went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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