the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
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like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
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I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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