Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
