she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Drake has all the answers
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
